Supergirl Spoiler Review

I may have flown in late for this review, but I hope that, unlike with this film, people actually want to see what I've got here. This movie isn't doing too well. It may be fumbling at the box office and the critics might hate it, but I've got good news: it's not the worst superhero movie ever. It's not even one of the worst superhero movies ever. Does that mean it doesn't suck? Hell no. It's a shit show. It's just that there are shittier shows out there, especially where the DCU is concerned.

So I'm going to stop being generous right there and say this: it's a huge step down from Superman. I know people were divided on that film. I myself am one of the stans; "one of the stans" is an understatement. That film is my new favorite Superman movie and one of my new favorite movies, period. I loved it, especially where David Corenswet as the flying brick himself is concerned.

Remember Malignant, the horror film James Wan meant as an homage to old B-horror blockbusters that ended up with a ton of charm? I feel like they tried something similar here with the superhero genre, except they did it in a way that sucked out all the likability you could find in the story and the characters. The CGI and the visuals as a whole are wonky. The plot is generic. And the villain is so forgettable that I need to look up his name real quick: Crim of the Yellow Hills. Okay, I was calling him Creel at first, but there's no way I'm remembering this name, so you know what? He's Craig now. I'm calling him Craig of the Creek. Congratulations, Craig fans. I'm not much of a comic guy, but I hope he's better on the page, because he sucks here.

There's not much going on story-wise, but let me give you the gist so we're all working off the same data. Kara Zor-El's whole deal is that she likes to fly to solar systems with red suns. They're the only places where she can feel pain, party, bleed, and drink herself into an inebriated mess until she forgets everything. Needless to say, she's hell in a handbasket if hell in a handbasket were a person. She's been through some shit with a capital S, capital H, capital I, and capital T. She's lost faith and hope in people. Her family and Clark himself have wanted so badly for her to embrace her destiny as a hero, but whenever the call comes, she leaves it on voicemail.

Then the next thing we know, Craig of the Creek invades a family's home, murders them for their weapons, and leaves one survivor: a girl named Ruthie. The name of her game is, you guessed it, revenge. On his way out, Craig steals Kara's ship and poisons Krypto with a dart. If she doesn't get the ingredients for the antidote in three days, bye-bye Krypto. So Kara and Ruthie team up out of mutual interest; one wants to save her dog, the other wants revenge. What they have in common is that both their motives are beyond generic, because what's better than one motive we've seen a million times? Two motives we've seen a million times.

I'm cool with a movie not reinventing the wheel. Earlier this year we got The Furious, an action movie that basically throws the plots of Taken and The Raid: Redemption into a blender, but it executes so well on the action and makes you care about the characters enough that it's still easily one of the best movies of the year so far. One of my new personal favorite action films. I only wish I could say the same about the execution here. Alas, it's not good.

Before I start bashing this movie — and believe me, I intend to bash — let me give credit where it's due. Even though this movie accomplishes nothing on the end of greatness, there are things it gets right. Let me start by saying the best thing about this woman-led movie is a man: Jason Momoa. Momoa was born to play Lobo. Just like he crushed it as Aquaman, he once again nails his DC character on the big screen. The long, grungy mane, the cigar chomping, the way he's just a walking, talking dervish of gunfire, laughter, and chaos on a motorcycle. He plays a mean game of stab-and-drag with his targets using this awesome giant hook on a chain and he looks like Rob Zombie if he performed for KISS. The energy he brought made him a one-man party at an otherwise lame event. Every second he's on screen is a delight, and I hope you cherish every one of those seconds, because we only get him for about two minutes. Because of that, not even Lobo hits the realm of greatness. But I would pay good money to see this man in a standalone Lobo film and between this and Fast X, it’s nice to see him getting to show more of his range onscreen.

Besides him, the cast does a good job… as good as they can with the venereal-disease-having asshole of a script they're handed. Milly Alcock makes us believe Supergirl is someone in pain. When she's allowed to shine with that, it feels raw. The irredeemably atrocious writing ensures that what we get is very much not a good character, but if her performance here is an audition for a better Supergirl film, she proves she can nail it when she's given something better to work with. Almost everyone in the supporting cast is someone I'd love to see in action again with a better script.

The practical effects are also a genuine boon. I was pleasantly surprised by how many real-looking aliens, real-looking creatures, how many real sets, and how much real makeup we got. Thank the globe for those, because the CGI ruins the scene whenever they lean into it. It won't be a spoiler at this point to say David Corenswet returns as Superman for a couple of scenes, and whenever we get him, he knocks it out of the park, but in his first two scenes he's in front of this god-awful green screen that a Zoom call could've done better justice to. At least the practical effects are proof that some people on the crew cared.

Before I go down the rabbit hole of problems, one more credit: for the most part, it's actually pleasant to look at. The action's good, there's a lot of it, and whenever it takes center stage you get pure velocity and momentum against really good sets. The sci-fi junkyard planets in particular have a rugged, grungy charm that fits Kara and her young, scrappy characterization. Combine settings like that with the acting Milly can pull off when she's not limited by that terrible script, and you get moments where they actually execute well on the genuinely good idea at the core of this character: taking a hero we associate with hope for a better tomorrow and flipping her inside out.

But now we get into the problems. If I had to name the one big problem, it's this: whenever the movie lands on a great idea, not only does it fail to explore that idea, it shoots itself in the foot with the execution. This movie wants to be Guardians of the Galaxy so badly. If you thought that streak was annoying in Superman, don't worry: here it's the aging, creaking, crooked backbone of the whole thing. It feels like they used ChatGPT to assemble it, because this is straight-up AI impersonating Gunn.

One of the big staples they keep reaching for is the needle drop, a Temu Guardians version of what the Super Mario Bros. movie did. I don't mind most of them, but then in the climax, just as it's ratcheting up, they play this Jimmy Eat World cover of "The Middle" that ruins the whole scene by being so out of place and turning it into a rip-off of Mr. Terrific’s fight scene in Superman. I can't come up with the words to do it justice. And as Kendall Roy would put it: the logic. Where's the logic? Part of Kara's story is that she wants nothing to do with the very concept of home. She doesn't want a repeat of Krypton and her family, and she rejects Clark's invitation to make Earth her home with every fiber of her being and yet she's all about 24/7 Earth tunes. They give her no reason for it other than "remember when Star-Lord did it?"

And here's what's scary: I actually thought this was James Gunn directing. It's not. It's Craig Gillespie, who also did I, Tonya and Cruella, which makes me scared for what DC is putting these other directors through. I don't know if it was Craig's decision to emulate Gunn, but if DC forced him down that route, what does that mean for the other directors and what they'll have to go through? For all we know, DC is giving these guys the James Gunn Candidate treatment in some white torture room.

Getting into repeats from Superman, as much as I love that movie, there's one common complaint I can't help but agree with: they nerfed the main character. And apparently this movie decided that was one of the best decisions ever, because Kara gets the shit nerfed out of her too. It's almost comical. I'm not talking about when she goes to red-sun planets to get herself drunk; that's fine, that's in character. But no matter how much sense it would make to let Kara go all out, the movie always finds an excuse to nerf that poor woman right in the nick of time. She gets slipped a Mickey right before Craig shows up so she's wobbling all over the place and gets her ass kicked.

Here's another thing: she doesn't even get the suit and become Supergirl until the climax. And when it finally happens, she gets through three of Craig's guys before he shoots her with kryptonite darts that he conveniently had ready for the exact moment he'd face a Kryptonian, even though they're supposed to be extinct. Where did he even find kryptonite? What made him think he might go up against a Kryptonian when the species is dead? He just pulls it out of his ass to give her a handicap.

Granted, right before that, there's a moment they actually get right. The final fight takes place on a planet with a yellow sun and a green sun. Right as she arrives, the green one shows up and puts her on death's door. It works. It's unexpected, it's tense, and we get a cool beat where the yellow sun comes back and recharges her. But imagine how much more oomph it would've had if she weren't already getting nerfed in every single fight. Is this going to be a regular thing with the DCU? Because this is the second time they haven't known what to do with their characters without making them weak.

Also, why does Kara keep forgetting her powers, or even how to think? She struggles to find Craig when she can literally see through walls, using her X-ray vision a grand total of twice in the whole movie. And she constantly puts Ruthie in danger by letting her wander off, or by flying away and telling her to stay put right where tanks and motorcycles and child traffickers can stroll up and take her. Long story short, the hero's an idiot.

Now back to the villain. I know we covered Craig of the Creek earlier, but I can't overstate what a lame nothingburger this guy is. He sucks. Craig sucks. Craig of the Creek fucking sucks. He's easily the worst comic-book movie villain since Wheden-cut Steppenwolf. The thing is, with better writing he could've been perfectly serviceable, but as-is he's proof that checking every box on a list doesn't make a good villain. He kills an innocent family, he poisons Krypto, he kidnaps girls for a child-trafficking ring. He's as loathsome as he sounds; the problem is he's loathsome without being memorable. Even his design lacks distinction; there were scenes where I couldn't tell if I was looking at him or one of his goons. He and his squad are like if Grok tried its hand at Immortan Joe and his empire from Mad Max: Fury Road. They give him about six scenes of dialogue, and he spends most of his screen time flexing on his opponents by eating their food in front of them. He walks and talks like Jack Sparrow with all the likability sucked out.

On top of that, there's not a single second where he feels like a legitimate threat to Supergirl. Villains are supposed to be exceptional and capable; that's how they become the force a hero rises above and looks all the more incredible for beating. There's not one moment where Craig is that force. It's like the screenwriters got to the end of the project, realized at the last second they needed a villain, and shoehorned this guy in so they could spend the next four months snoozing off the four sentences of script they gave him.

Those are the big problems. The smaller ones are minor on their own, but they compound in a way that takes the film from just sinking the Titanic to sinking it so hard it hits the Earth's core. There are scenes where Supergirl floats in front of a bright light that makes her a dark, unseeable shadow. The editing's clipped and jumpy, especially with Ruthie; they make this girl teleport even though she's not supposed to have any powers. And it sucks, because there are genuinely gorgeous shots in here: Supergirl leaping between buildings as things explode around her, marvelous to behold. But the movie cuts away before you can let the shot land. It all makes sense once you learn the post-production was hell; they reportedly cut fifteen to twenty-five minutes and went through three different composers before landing on the last dude. What you get is a movie that felt like it had a voice, had a soul, until it got chipped away to nothing.

But now we have to get into the thing that, above all, really tanks this movie, and this is why it’s a spoiler review: that fucking ending.

So Kara sets off to save Krypto, but she's also there to help Ruthie get revenge on Craig, right? Well, after Kara gives Ruthie her whole backstory exposition dump, she suddenly decides her new mission is to not let Ruthie kill Craig. We've heard the spiel before: revenge won't heal you, it'll just leave you empty, a void in your soul you'll never fill. But when did Kara ever go through this personally? This isn't Aang trying to talk Katara down after losing his people to genocide. Kara lost her people to ecological disaster. Nobody killed them. She's never had to be an avenger, so she's got no experience to speak from; yet whenever she warns Ruthie off revenge, she makes it sound like she's speaking from hard-won experience she simply doesn't have. It’s spiel is coming from someone who, up to this point, has been jaded and selfish, and who has all of a sudden decided she cares about the sanctity of life.

And in case you're worried they don't make it worse, don't worry, this movie's got you. Ruthie has a clear shot, catching Craig off guard with his back turned and Kara restrains her. What happens immediately after? Craig kills more innocent people. Ruthie even points out that if Kara had just let her do it, all of this could've been avoided. And she's right.

Then, right after convincing the little girl not to mar her own soul by killing a man out of vengeance and seemingly embracing the lesson her parents tried to impart before they died, Kara proceeds to kill the exact same guy out of vengeance. "This is for Ruthie. This is for my dog." Ruthie basically tells her, verbatim, that she's finally become a good and kind person, in some of the most cringe dialogue in the movie. Yet Kara doesn't change. She fights the same, she carries the same personality and demeanor, and she discourages Ruthie from killing a man out of vengeance, then kills that same man out of vengeance.

The movie wants to draw a line and then never tells you where the line is. It wants to say something about revenge and has nothing to actually say. It treats Ruthie like a sweet, innocent girl whose innocence can still be protected when she literally watched her whole family get slaughtered in front of her. Like she says, if he's left alive he'll just do the same to more people, and he does exactly that. I'm with her. Kill the man. Child traffickers should die. That’s never been controversial…right?

If you're going to commit to Supergirl killing Craig, let her do it. The whole movie she's been working alone and outrunning her grief; maybe by the end she doubles down on that choice. Or, alternatively, have her embrace the no-kill rule, go back to Earth, join Clark, strengthen the symbol of hope, and heal with family by her side. But this movie picks a third option in the worst possible way: it throws the good ending and the bad ending in a blender so she gets to end her arc on a dark decision and have her cake too, finding a new home on Earth as a healed woman with a happy ending. Or take a fourth option: let Lobo kill the guy. Or a fifth: make the movie about Lobo. He's the best character. Or sixth: more than three fucking minutes with the guy! The potential's right there: he could be hunting Craig for a bounty, make it a race.

But the bottom line is: DC gave us a feature-length fetch quest with a generic plot, bad CGI, bad lighting, a terrible villain, and a hero who gets nerfed in every scene she's in, which really sucks when you've got a compelling idea to work with. Supergirl as a character in this movie is a genuinely good concept: the prodigal daughter of Krypton, the anti–Clark Kent. But the execution takes something that could've stuck the landing and turns it into that time Jeff Bezos' rocket exploded a few weeks back without it even being entertaining.

Now, I've bashed this movie enough that you might think it's straight-up terrible. It's not. There's more than one DC movie I can think of that's worse, but it's still pretty bad. I feel bad for the actors, who deserved a better script and I feel scared for the rest of the DCU. This is the second movie, and all we got is what we've seen a bajillion times before. When you're trying to get a cinematic universe off the ground, you have to do better than this. So I hope and pray to every god who's still feeling good about me — which is probably very few, if any — that Clayface and Lanterns don't suck. Because if the rest of the DCU is stuff like this, I'm going to need something a lot stronger than what Kara was drinking to get through it.

5/10